The Basic Bitch :: Cooper’s Hall

Everything about this date was short – his height, the duration, and now, the review.

I matched with this Basic Bitch around the same time I matched with the Tinder Regular. Both conversations were equally witty and enjoyable, so when the Basic Bitch asked me to get drinks with him on Friday, I accepted, even though it was only a mere 24 hours after my date with the Tinder Regular.

Usually I try to be respectful when it comes to scheduling dates. I know I wouldn’t like to go on a date with a guy who has seen 5 other women the same week, so I try to limit myself to one date per week. But this time, I was free and he was interesting, so I figured, why not?

I’ll admit, he wasn’t that cute in his photos, but he wasn’t bad, either. He was a typical Portland guy with a short beard, glasses, and a lot of plaid shirts. His interests revolved around hiking, the Timbers, and traveling. There was nothing prompting me to get to know him, but no red flags, either.

While living in Portland, I have driven by an intriging, open-air wine bar several times and had no clue what it was called. Googling “wine bar SE Portland” yielded the result for Cooper’s Hall and it seemed to be in the appropriate location. I made this discovery 6 months ago, but each time I tried to go, it was closed for a private event. Last week, it appeared to be open to the public, so the Basic Bitch and I agreed to meet there.

The Bro
Traditionally attractive
Great job!
Well traveled
Animated and expressive
Chill personality

The date was mediocre, but first, let me explain how I committed one of the worst dating crimes of all time: being late.

As usual, I arrived early to drink in my car. After 1 or 2 glasses, I really really really had to pee. I’m talking about the kind of urgency where squatting on the curb sounds like a great idea. At 5:30, I exit my car and walk into the bar, making a beeline for the bathroom. I didn’t even look around to find him. As I was in the bathroom, I sent the Basic Bitch a message saying, “Hey, just got here, stopping in the bathroom first! See you soon!” and he replied with, “Okay, I’m at the bar.”

I left the bathroom and went up to the bar and the only person there was an elderly woman. I looked around the bar and there was absolutely no signage. I looked at the tables and there were no men sitting alone. The space didn’t even look like the photos on the internet.

The bartender came over and I said, “I have the most embarrassing question ever. Where am I?”

He laughed and said, “This is Enso.” I put my head in my hands and said, “Aw man, I’m supposed to be at Cooper’s Hall!”

He gave me directions for 8 blocks away and I said, “Thank you so much, I’ll definitely bring my next Tinder date here!” That got quite a few laughs from everyone who had been eavesdropping on our conversation, so I felt pretty validated.

I was a little bit too tipsy to comfortably drive and parallel park, so I hustled down the street. I explained the situation to the Basic Bitch and luckily he understood. All in all, I was a good 15 minutes late. I would hate me.

The Bar Pros
Lots of space! It is a warehouse with half bar/half wine storage
Very friendly and helpful staff
Parking! Even if I didn’t use it
Open, modern floor plan
Same height as me

The Bar Cons
Pretty expensive, definitely not a binge drinking spot
It took me 5 minutes to find the bathroom
Overwhelming selection of wine
Barely any room to walk between tables, despite open floor plan

He looked identical to his photos. No surprises, thank god. We grabbed a table and it was unusually awkward. It felt more like an interview. He started asking all of the basic questions – “Where are you from? Where did you go to school? What TV shows do you like? What are your hobbies?” Our Tinder conversation was so funny and banter seemed to come easily, so why was this conversation basically a script from every Hollywood movie dating montage?

The Bro Cons
This is shallow, but his jaw width was so tiny! 
Nothing interesting to add to conversation
Basic Bitch taste in alcohol
Boring. Just so boring

When it came time to order, I ordered some obscure, unique wine and he ordered…. a white wine flight and a cheese plate.

I don’t have anything against white wine or cheese, but as soon as the waitress left, he said, “I don’t like red wine, it is too strong. I feel like I have to order fancy cheese at a place like this. It’s a wine and cheese girls night!!!”


What grown man says that!? I want to be progressive enough not to care if a man orders the most girly thing on the menu, but it doesn’t tickle my jimmies to watch a man use a tiny butter knife to smear brie on a baby cracker and then wash it down with his mini-glass of white wine.

I gave a half-laugh and said I am not a big fan of cheese. He launched into a 5 minute long speech about his unrequited love for cheese and how it is the best food on the planet. He even pulled out his phone to show me recipes he wants to make. Not even photos of dishes he’s prepared himself… but literal step by step recipes for nacho casseroles. What?!

I honestly don’t remember most of what we talked about because it was so boring. Our entire date lasted 2 hours. That may seem normal, but my definition of a successful first date is when it lasts 6 hours because the conversation is just so riveting. This date was the longest 2 hours of my life.

I don’t think he was feeling it, either, because he’s the one who suggested we cut it short. As soon as he finished his flight, he said, “Okay, you ready?” which is the exact same thing I say when I want to leave without being rude. We hugged and went our separate ways. In true Basic Bitch fashion, he did said, “We should do this again!” but 100% didn’t mean it.

The Bro: 2/10. Gotta give him something for an interesting Tinder convo, even if he sucked IRL.
The Bar: 6/10. A great place if you’re into wine, but I’m not. Probably won’t go back.



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