If I had to sum up my ideal man into one persona, it would be Rodney Ruxin from The League. He’s Jewish, he’s a lawyer, he’s witty and sarcastic, he’s fashionable, he’s fiercely loyal to Sophia, and he seems to have ample free time to hang out at bars.
That’s why, when I matched with a newly minted Portland lawyer with his own firm, I was infatuated. As an added bonus, he was blond, tan, and had a chiseled body from recently hiking all over the country. There was only one issue: his Buscemeyes. If you aren’t familiar, this phenomenon is when the eyes of Steve Buscemi are photoshopped onto unsuspecting victims – namely, my date. I’m sure men find some parts of my face weird, so I wasn’t quick to judge.
However, as I was showing his Tinder profile to my friends, we discovered something quite interesting. My friend, let’s call her Emma, uses Tinder for hook-up purposes. She had matched with Buscemeyes a couple days ago and totally trolled him. Here’s her story, straight from the source…
“I matched with ‘Buscemeyes’ two days ago and we were supposed to meet up at a bar near his house. I started feeling lazy 2 hours before the date and wanted to bail but didn’t want to look lame. I thought it would be easy to start saying crazy stuff until he canceled the date himself and took the blame. I know it’s horrible! I first asked if we could push back the date by an hour because my first date of the night was “running longer than expected and we’re at his house now but idk how long he will take.” Buscemeyes said that was fine and wanted to still hook up! I said I had to stop by Walgreens to grab Plan B just in case. He was still okay with it! I personally don’t do drugs, but I asked if he had any “snow” at his place and he said all he had was “ice cubes.” As a final straw, I told him I had herpes and he cancelled.”
I couldn’t believe this story. She showed me the texts and it was definitely his number. I decided not to cancel the date (even though we clearly were looking for different things), mainly so I could tell Emma how it went… and for the blog.
Our initial Tinder conversation was brief, but interesting. He asked me out for a Friday night drink at The Liquor Store. I wasn’t too thrilled to be going on this date, but after my ritualistic water bottle of wine, I showed up… and I was surprised. He didn’t look like the haggard man from LinkedIn, he looked like a preppy frat bro! It’s always nice when men are inept with cameras.
The Bro Pros
Straight out of a Brooks Brothers catalog
Arrived before me, punctuality is a plus!
Definitely an Alpha/very decisive with plans for the evening
Eastsider and Portland native
Great kisser 😉
We had two rounds at The Liquor Store and he was certainly charming. Our conversation flowed easily and he suggested another round at Sweet Hereafter. I offered to pay at Hereafter and he ordered THE FUCKING $13 MASON JAR. Dick move, buddy. It was when we were sitting at the picnic tables in the back that he said “Want to hear a crazy Tinder experience?” He proceeded to tell me his side of Emma’s story with the same exact details. According to him, he never wanted to hook up in the first place and just wanted to see how far it would go. Yeah right, a likely explanation from a lawyer. I was impressed that he was upfront and didn’t exaggerate at all. I appreciated his honesty.
Next we decided to look at the lights on Peacock Lane. We arrived to find the street abandoned. The festival ended at 10 and it was already 11. We drunkenly walked down the street, holding hands, and looked at all of the remaining lights. It was actually pretty romantic! As we got to the intersection of Stark and Cesar Chavez, he pulled me in for a kiss. I’m not a fan of PDA, so making out as all of the traffic drove by was uncomfortable, but I was into it. We walked into Laurelhurst Park in the rain to see the ducks. We ended up kissing at every scenic view. I’m smiling now as I remember how unique and lovely it was! In retrospect, I’m also terrified as someone was recently murdered in that park (upon review, the murder was not recent, nor was it a murder.)
As we scrambled up a muddy hill, he spotted a Porta-Potty at a construction site and said he had to go. Really?
We made our way to Holman’s, a dive bar on 28th that I’ve driven by countless times but never stepped foot into. He told me they have jalapeño poppers (my favorite!) and promised we would order some. For a Friday night, Holman’s was too laid back for me. There was a large crowd of 40 year olds watching a football game on the big screen and several couples playing pool. It definitely seems like the local spot for bored, middle-aged Laurelhurst residents who want to have a “crazy night” with some Bud Lite.
The Bar Pros
Strong cocktails. My Jack and diet was 100% Jack!
Pretty attentive service, restaurant style
The Bar Cons
Worst lighting of my life – see below
Typical bar food, probably store bought
The type of place your drunk uncle from Detroit would like
Gaudy neon sign in case you’re lost
The hostess sat us at a booth with the worst overhead lighting I’ve ever encountered. It made Buscemeye’s buscemeyes even more Buscemi and that was a pretty big downer. I can only imagine how I looked in that lighting. Apparently pretty bad because he took it upon himself to wipe some mascara off of my eyelid. Fucking rain. As if that moment couldn’t be any more degrading, Holman’s was out of jalapeño poppers. He ordered mozzarella sticks instead. Gross.
We had one more round and made increasingly boring small talk until he asked, “So do you want to come back to the house I’m watching on Hawthorne?” No! I never go home with first dates. Luckily I had an actual work conflict, “I promised my coworker I’d cover her 8am Saturday morning shift, sorry!” He wasn’t butthurt at all. He proceeded to ask me about work and it was a pretty flawless transition, although, I suppose that is what lawyers are paid to do.
The Bro Cons
Spent 30 minutes telling me about the dog he’s babysitting, yawn
Only let me have 1 mozzarella stick!
Not very considerate – made me climb through mud, walk home alone
10 years older than me!
Used to be an actual cowboy in rural Oregon
Bragged about driving 20 miles home while drunk in rural Oregon
Didn’t dress up for Halloween, went to cabin in woods alone and binged on candy?
We walked back out into the rain and kissed one last time on the corner of 33rd and Belmont. He sweetly asked, “When can I see you again?” I explained that I was traveling home in 4 days for Christmas and he said, “Perfect. Before then.” I smiled and walked blissfully home (an occurrence that my coworkers later pointed out to me as being bizarre. Who lets a single lady walk 10 blocks home in the rain at 2am? Truth.)
On Sunday, I sent him a link to the KATU news article about the Peacock Lane lights proposal. We had speculated about the story behind the “Will you marry me?” display and I figured this was a good way to start a follow up conversation. He replied, “Haha, cool.”
In a desperate attempt at companionship, I mustered my dignity and replied to a weak text I would have otherwise ignored.
He never responded.
Moral of the story: The eyes are the window to the soul. It’s okay to be superficial.
The Bro: 3.5/10. Nice conversation and great kisser, but we were clearly looking for different things and he didn’t have the maturity to tell me upfront. What grown man fades?
The Bar: 1/10