I’ve been binge watching The Mindy Project and, despite her irritating irresponsibility, I’ve begun to feel a kinship to Mindy. We both love gaudy jewelry and are inexplicably unlucky in love. Whereas Mindy can eat endless bags of cheese puffs while simultaneously running into eligible bachelors on the sidewalk, I must resort to snacking on frozen grapes while desperately swiping on Tinder. During one evening of fruitless searching, I decided to take a cue from Mindy and throw caution to the wind. Instead of google-stalking each match who shows interest until I inevitably convince myself NOT to meet for a drink, I would say yes to anyone (within reason.) And as if it was a sign from the gods, the Suspicious German was an instant match.
There wasn’t much to hate. His bio was sparse – just a witty one liner displaying his love for alcohol and cookies. His photos were nonthreatening – no selfies, no fishing photos, and no ex-girlfriends. We exchanged only a few lines of banter (about challah bread, nonetheless!) before he asked me out. I hadn’t had enough exposure to come up with a valid reason to decline, so instead I agreed.
The Bro Pros
Handsome in an average, All-American way
Arrived on time!
Tall. It’s always a toss up when they don’t publish their height!
Engaging and genuinely involved in the conversation
Unfortunately our date conversation occurred the day before Halloween, so we were both booked for the upcoming holiday weekend. We tenatively agreed on the following weekend – 10 days in the future! The week passed and there was radio silence. I figured he had lost interest (as I had) but on Thursday night, he messaged me asking if I was still down for a drink. I do love a man who can keep a calendar! He proposed we go to Kask downtown. I’ve never been, but I’ve walked by several times. The place looked pretty classy and was definitely on par with the type of bar my dream man frequents.
On Friday at work, I showed my coworkers his profile to gauge their approval. Or maybe I wanted to show off. Probably that. They responded positively to his photos and said he is a ringer for Josh Lucas from Sweet Home Alabama. I definitely see the resemblance. But when they read our brief conversation about challah bread, they pulled out. Not only did he say, and I quote, “I wish you were a man so I could trade you a blowjob for some challah bread,” but they claimed he was behaving suspiciously like a Nazi. Here’s their logic…
- He’s white with blond hair and blue eyes.
- He automatically became WAY more interested when I realized I was “Jewish.”
- He suggested one of the few German bars in Portland.
They were convinced I was about to be kidnapped and handed over to the third reich as some sort of neo-nazi sacrifice. Dramatics aside, they were invested in hearing the outcome of my date.
We met outside Kask around 7pm on a Friday. The place was understandably bangin’. He immediately began grumbling about how crowded it was and suggested we go elsewhere. I obliged and we got a quick drink at a pub nearby to kill time before heading back to give Kask another try. It was still crowded, but I insisted we wait it out. A whole 5 minutes later, we had a table. Clearly he didn’t possess the gift of patience.
The Bar Pros
Delicious cocktails – seriously, one of the best I’ve had
Interesting Great Gatsby drinkware
Modern industrial decor, yet cozy with ambient mood lighting
The Bar Cons
WHAT’S UP with the preschool sized chairs?
Super crowded and thus, slow service – but hey, more time to chat
Noise echoes very easily making conversation difficult
The extensive cocktail menu is impressive, but each drink is just a slight variation of the one prior. Where’s the variety?!
The two-top table we selected had a normal sized bench seat against the wall and a short & squatty child’s stool on the opposite side. Granted, he is taller than me, but he still immediately claimed the bench without offering. I had to spend the rest of the night sitting on a mini-chair and listening to him laugh (and inform me!) every 5 minutes about how “ridiculous” I looked. Thanks, charmer.
The menu came. He took one look at the cocktail list and said, I kid you not, “Okay, we are only getting ONE drink here…” Classy. They ranged from $8-$13 but what did he expect from a swanky cocktail lounge in downtown Portland? HE picked the place, after all! Yelp the fucking menu!
After a lovely conversation in which he explained why he was unemployed by choice and never wanted to have children because “they are just mini clones used by selfish people to blueprint their own fucked up flaws onto,” I was emotionally checked out. So when he called me a Real Housewife of Miami, I had no motivation to react. When he exhaled sharply upon receiving the bill and then mumbled incoherently while pulling out his credit card, I secretly rejoiced.
The Bro Cons
He’s moving away in a month (why not mention this sooner?!)
Not afraid to voice his racist and ignorant views on the world
Extremely loud. Seriously, he was yelling the entire date
Team Android – and said I was unintelligent for liking Apple
Admitted to Googling me before the date and critiqued my online presence
Ex-Starbucks barista, currently unemployed
Became very aggressive when I took “too long” to read the 10 page menu
Explicitly oogled the waitress and commented on her body
The real kicker came when he walked me to my car. He said “Are you seriously going home right now?” “Yep, I have to cover for a coworker tomorrow.” (True!)
He immediately went silent for the rest of the walk and all but ignored any questions I asked him. When we FINALLY got to my car, I said “Well, it was great grabbing a drink with you! Thanks again!” and he said, “Are you kidding me? What are you even looking for from Tinder?”
“Well, I am looking for something more relationship-based, but even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t hook up with you based on how you acted tonight.”
And he walked away. As I drove off, I looked in my mirror and saw him standing on the street corner on his phone – probably on Tinder. I feel sorry for the poor soul he matches with next.
As if this wasn’t already a gem of an experience, he messaged me the next day – “Hey, I had a great time. Let me know if you want to get another drink before I leave.” I received it in the middle of work, so when I got home, I went to respond (not politely) and he had already unmatched me. I guess unemployed people don’t have much free time to sit around waiting for Tinder prospects to respond.
My coworkers went wild. They devised revenge plans and a reality TV show premise. But in the end, he got what he deserved – a $30 bar tab and no sex.
The Bro: 0/10. My new standard for “god fucking awful” first dates.
The Bar: 8/10